Nipples, Peeping Toms and the End of the World!

It’s Sunday, so it must be time for Sunday Supplement!

Let’s get cracking, shall we?

Residents near Swansea’s Christmas Ferris wheel have been successful in their bid for it to be moved.  They lodged complaints after it was discovered that the wheels passengers could see straight into their flat windows!  How’s that for a thrilling ride…

Apparently the surprise Internet Christmas shopping hit this year has been fridge magnets cast from human nipples.  Well, it’s a bit different from the dancing flowers that were all the rage a few years back!

Hungary have now brought out an employee specification for Santa.  Requirements reported are a height of at least 5 foot 7 inches, a deep voice and the necessary pass mark in a Santa exam.  Where’s the big belly and white beard?!

And finally, how’s this for interactive?  Worshippers at a local Brighton church were recently forced to flee the service as, during the vicar’s sermon on the end of the world, a huge lead pipe fell through the church roof.  Someone trying to make a point perhaps…

On a more positive note, my horoscopes have reliably informed me that I am about to go into an adventurous mood, that incredible things will happen and this Christmas will be unforgettable.  Hopefully for once, they will get this one right!

Christmas, Chocolate and Cabbies.

So, here it is.  The first (or second depending if you count my other post along these lines!) installment of Sunday Supplement – the (fairly) regular round up of ‘news’ in the wonderful world of the Sunday papers.

So without further ado, let’s get on with it!

A cabbie in Cambridge has a novel way of entertaining his passengers.  He dons a fez and treats them to Tommy Cooper impressions.  This certainly beats the drivers I normally get, who seem to see me as someone to hold hostage whilst they inform me of their (usually) dubious and bigoted political views!

Here’s some thinking I can understand.  The 125 strong crew of HMS Endurance have stocked up with 40,000 bars of chocolate in case they get stranded on their mission to the Antarctic.  There is other food on board obviously, but they seemed more concerned about running out of chocolate, baked beans and pop!

The Health and Safety people are making their rounds again.  The organisers of Halesowen’s local Christmas parade have been told that Santa can only make an appearance if he agrees to wear a seat belt whilst driving his sleigh.  Next they’ll be wanting him to have airbags and decide that Rudolph’s nose isn’t the correct level of brightness!

However, maybe this partly led to their decision.  Part of the Northbound M3 motorway carriage was closed yesterday.  Firefighters were called to the scene where two reindeer and a sleigh had overturned in their trailer on their way to another local display.  Bet they wished they’d got their seatbelt now!  (For the animal lovers amongst us apparently the reindeer were fine and weren’t hurt at all)

And finally…

My horoscopes have informed me that as one door closes, another opens, that my soulmate will be arriving shortly, that I will learn new work skills and destiny plans a meeting in a supermarket.  So, if I’ve got it right then I will lose my job, get a new one in the local Tesco and probably have an affair with my new boss!  Great.  Something to look forward to for this week then!

My tabloid education

I have spent a lazy Sunday morning surrounded by the papers. Part of my Sunday ritual, along with watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, is to take a trip through the wonderful world of tabloid trash and update my knowledge of useless information and celebrity trivia.

I have some admiration for those who manage to wade through the broadsheets and receive their Sunday schooling in literature, culture, the Arts and where to go on holiday now that the plebs have discovered those ‘hidden gems’. However as, under health and safety legislation, I do not have the appropriate equipment to get them home safely I’m afraid I have to give them a miss. Considering that an entire rainforest has been felled to print one copy – I would fear for my poor back if I was foolish enough to try and handle them manually!

So, I thought I would share today’s lessons with you, so we can all feel the benefit.

* Viagra is now being used to help treat certain lung diseases. I can only marvel at a drug that can have two uses with complete opposite effects – one to leave you breathless and one to ease your breathing, this is modern medicine at its finest!

* Splashing vinegar on a jellyfish sting stops the pain almost immediately. I have to say that I am now slightly confused. I heard a seminar on this a few years ago courtesy of Friends – it was recommended on there that you persuade a close friend to urinate on the affected area. Now I’m not sure which I should choose, but as I rarely take a bottle of vinegar to the beach, I think I only have one option.

* The growing trend in plastic surgery is women requesting that their nipples are made permanently erect. I can’t help thinking that it would be just as effective, and a lot cheaper, if these women simply made sure they had a permanent supply of portable ice cubes with them!

* A massage parlour (read brothel) in Brighton has spent £3,000 on improving its disabled access for customers. If they are serious about trying to improve their business and attract new customers, maybe they should consider a range of special offers. They could start a loyalty scheme with a fancy card and points you could redeem for treats and maybe a Buy One, Get One Free promotion – it may do wonders. On the other hand, if they are trying to be seen as the equality brothel, maybe they should propose a tempting offer to social workers to move over to them, they could then cover a whole new clientele.

* A popular use of myspace is to test a partner’s loyalty and fidelity. Ooo, a honeytrap with a geeky side. Gone are the days when women (and men!) had to rely on their inbuilt detective skills, we now have technology to aid us. Is it just me, or is anyone else quite scared about this? A bunny to boil anyone?

* Jordan and Peter Andre’s sex life is better than ever since the birth of their daughter. I am so happy now I know this. I have to admit this has caused me some concern, but now that I have been reassured I can sleep easily again.

So there we have the main lessons for today. Please take note and try to remember them, there may be a test later.

Oh, and for anyone who’s interested, my horoscopes have assured me that both love and luck are just round the corner. I am so happy, but considering they’ve been telling me this for the last 27 years, I’m not going to hold my breath…